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The Saddest Guest Rejects

If you love sadness, then you're in luck, because I've got two of the very saddest guest rejects of all right here:

This one was e-mailed to me with the following sad message: "so i don't have stamps. nor do i have a car to go get some. so i decided i'd e-mail you my secret. it's in the attached file. "

Some sad secrets really draw you into their sad stories, and this one is, sadly, no exception. I wondered when I read this card, how does somebody make their dad's death sound worse than it is? Is the man still alive? Or does this sad stampless secret sender tell his/her friends that Daddy was shot before his/her very eyes by a desperate criminal, when he really just choked on a piece of chewing gum at his 9 to 5 job?

Let's take this maudlin mocha latte and top it off with a double-shot of existential despair espresso. Here's a card that was sent to me back in November:

Every time I look at this card, I sigh wistfully and end up staring at the bare tree branches outside my window for the next fifteen minutes.

Which of these guest submissions is sadder? You decide! And after you decide, you can go ahead and vote in our new "Saddest Guest Reject" opinion poll, on the top righthand side of the page.

Also, buy my shirts. Don't make me beg!