PostRejects coming soon

Dear Valued Readers,

Due to unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances, Sunday rejects have been postponed. Hopefully this will not stop you from helping me make a profit during your visit today. Seriously, buy some shirts.

All the best,
Fred

EDIT: For those of you who are new to the site (and I know there are a lot of you coming off StumbleUpon today), scroll down for past Sunday Rejects! I'll have the new update up this evening.

EDIT THE SECOND: Dammit! I have finally got ahold of this week's Rejects, but my scanner is broken! I smell sabotage. I will have new Rejects up as soon as possible, and if I don't get them up before Sunday, I will just run a double update then.

The Saddest Guest Rejects

If you love sadness, then you're in luck, because I've got two of the very saddest guest rejects of all right here:

This one was e-mailed to me with the following sad message: "so i don't have stamps. nor do i have a car to go get some. so i decided i'd e-mail you my secret. it's in the attached file. "

Some sad secrets really draw you into their sad stories, and this one is, sadly, no exception. I wondered when I read this card, how does somebody make their dad's death sound worse than it is? Is the man still alive? Or does this sad stampless secret sender tell his/her friends that Daddy was shot before his/her very eyes by a desperate criminal, when he really just choked on a piece of chewing gum at his 9 to 5 job?

Let's take this maudlin mocha latte and top it off with a double-shot of existential despair espresso. Here's a card that was sent to me back in November:

Every time I look at this card, I sigh wistfully and end up staring at the bare tree branches outside my window for the next fifteen minutes.

Which of these guest submissions is sadder? You decide! And after you decide, you can go ahead and vote in our new "Saddest Guest Reject" opinion poll, on the top righthand side of the page.

Also, buy my shirts. Don't make me beg!

Sunday Rejects 1/4

-----Email Message-----
Subject: Sandwich Solidarity

To whoever sent the "Sandwiches" card: I often feel the same way. In this harsh, harsh world, you are not alone.

-----Email Message-----
Subject: Response to "Sandwich" PostReject

Hey, maybe we can go get a sandwich together sometime. Although on second thought, that would be pretty hard, since both your secret and my e-mail are completely anonymous.

To be honest, it's probably better that way. I'm sort of a creep.

Sincerely,
(name redacted)

Guest Rejects for the Whole Family!

Today's pair of Guest Rejects were both e-mailed to me from the same account. Together, they tell a story about a family. It's probably not a very heartwarming story:

I was a bit incredulous about the sincerity of this card, but then I googled "Halloween Themed Wedding". It turns out that this sort of thing happens all the time. A host of websites offer suggestions for the perfect Halloween wedding, all of which agree that the couple should always play "Thriller," by Michael Jackson, at the reception.

Halloween themed weddings can be wild and wacky, and they often result in unintentionally hilarious photo montages. Sometimes they are even staged in Thailand by Ripley's Believe it or Not.

A helpful tip for this anonymous card sender, courtesy of Ehow.com: "Don't let anyone talk you out of your Halloween theme wedding. It is after all your wedding, it should be about you and what you like." On behalf of PostRejects, I offer the following bonus tip: don't let the groom pretend to be Beetlejuice. Seriously. Don't do it. Okay, next secret:

This doesn't seem like the sort of family that would protest a "spooky, Halloween-themed wedding", does it?

Got any Guest Rejects of your own? Find out how you can submit them here. The next regular update will go up this Sunday. In the meantime, keep your eyes out for new PostRejects Shirts!

Shirts will be 20.09% off until January 16th, courtesy of my T-shirt provider, Spreadshirt.com (coupon code NEW19). Let me know if there's any PostRejects that you'd like to see in shirt form!

Sunday Rejects 12/28

Are you hungry for some Guest Rejects?

For some reason, a bunch of the guest submissions that I've been getting have had to do with food. Here are a couple:

By the way, Guest Rejects usually run on Wednesdays, but last week's regular Sunday Rejects update was delayed because of the PostSecret guy being a jerk and violating my rights (scroll down to the next post for an explanation of that). You can get the information on how to submit your own Guest Rejects here. Moving on:



This "baby-peppercorn sauce" card definitely comes from a different person than the one who submitted the ugly baby Guest Reject. This could mean that your babies are safe, or it could mean that your babies are in twice as much danger as before.

In other news, the Official PostRejects Merchandise Shop(pe) is now online! I've included some sample designs, for your viewing/buying pleasure:

FYI: This one is specialty-printed with glitter ink, even though it's sort of hard to tell from the picture.

I also thought of this great motto, which is "PostRejects Tees: Wear your secret on a shirt!" Spiffy, right? Also, the shirts make wonderful belated Christmas gifts! If you've got questions or comments on the merchandise, you can contact me at postrejects@gmail.com.

Alright, I've got to get back to sifting through the PostSecret garbage. The next update goes up in less than 24 hours!

The Triumphant Return

A Message From Fred Jurgens:

Dear Site Patrons,

As you know, last week's PostRejects were severely delayed as a result of the PostSecret guy catching me rummaging through his garbage and chasing me off with a broom. Well, I figured that by this past Sunday it would all have blown over, so I went back. The scavenging was going okay, no real juicy cards, until I ran across this one:

That is just too much. Come on, everybody knows that garbage is PUBLIC PROPERTY. Once you throw something away, anybody can come along, pick it up, and put it on their website. I mean, I'm not going to go into the "legalese" of it, but I'm pretty sure that this threat is a violation of my first and possibly third amendment rights.

No need to go to court, though, because my story has a happy ending. See, the PostSecret guy's garbage man is a buddy of mine from college, so I took him out and we got hammered. At some point in the night he agreed to dump the PostSecret trash off at my house every week. Score! So, without further ado, this week's PostRejects:

This one reminds me of one of my friend-blogs, The Daily Lifeku. They write angry haikus about people who are idiots. I hate idiots too!

Sunday Rejects Regrettably Delayed

So I was just at the PostSecret guy's house, looking through his trash for some hot new rejected postcards. It was going pretty well until I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a dude running towards me wielding a broom.

Man, you wouldn't know it from looking at him, but that PostSecret guy is fast. I eventually managed to lose him in some bushes, but my heart rate is still way up even as I'm writing this. I think I'm going to have to wait a couple days before I go back there again.

In the meantime, here's a guest submission to placate you:

"Your bestiality is tearing me up.

I can only imagine what it's doing to THE KIDS."

Hey, that postcard is messed up. Sort of reminds me of my college years.

Anyway, to those of you who have been so faithfully clicking my ads these past few weeks, I apologize, and I'll have a new batch of PostRejects up on the site next week. The rest of you can go to Hell for all I care.

-Fred

Sunday Rejects

Inaugural Guest Reject

Dear Valued Ad-Clickers,

I am proud to present the very first of PostRejects' "Guest Rejects". These are secrets that readers like yourself have sent directly to me, rather than making me scavenge them out of the PostSecret guy's trash. I plan to run them on Wednesdays:

That is one ugly lobster-baby. Yikes.

Inspired?
Send your own PostRejects to:
PostRejects
PO Box 205200
New Haven, CT 06520

If you happen not to own stamps, or you have forgotten how to use a mailbox, you can also e-mail me your secrets at postrejects (at) gmail (dot) com. But it's more likely that your secret will get on the site if you take the time to mail it in.

I'll post the next regular batch of juicy scavenged secrets this Sunday. In the meantime, remember...if you're not clicking ads, you're basically stealing from me!!