Sunday Rejects 2-22-09

-----E-mail Message-----
Subject: Capitalism

Yeah, I'm pretty ambivalent about capitalism.

-----E-mail Message-----
Subject: CAPITALISM

Gets the job done, I guess

-----E-mail Message-----
Subject: Re: Capitalism

I just don't see why people make such a big deal out of it.

-----E-mail Message-----
Subject: Capitalism

Hi Fred!

Is that a picture of Sue Johanson from that "Talk Sex with Sue Johanson" show that used to run on the Oxygen channel? I loved that show! My girlfriends and I used to hold viewing parties for it all the time.

I guess capitalism is alright, too. I haven't really thought about it :)

Belated Valentine's Day Rejects

-----E-mail Message-----

Subject: To the person who sent the fruit loops card

Joke's on you, honey. I only married you for your looks.

Sunday Rejects 2-8-08

-----Email Message-----
Subject: Vasco da Gama

To the Vasco da Gama girl:

I don't blame your boyfriend, frankly. Yeah, da Gama got all the way to India by sea, big deal. Magellan sailed around the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD. There's a word for that: CIRCUMNAVIGATION. Here's another word for it: FUCKING AMAZING.

You have awful taste in explorers and if I was your boyfriend, I'd break up with you.






-----Email Message-----
Subject: Chastity club

Hey, if you think you've got it tough, try being the only member of your high school swinger's club.

-----Email Message-----
Subject: RE: Chastity club

Dude I totally sympathize with you (the swinger's club guy, I mean)-- getting that second member is always the hardest for some reason. Have you tried postering?

Sunday Rejects 2-1-09

To whoever sent the last one: nice try with the address, but this is an ANONYMOUS secret site. If you want stalkers, then get a myspace.

-Fred

The Most Incomprehensible Guest Reject

This guest reject arrived in my inbox with a two word e-mail. "I quit," was all it said.

Here's the reject in all of its befuddling glory:

What the hell am I looking at here? Is this supposed to be one secret, or two? What is the meaning of the title "Prejection"? Why does one of the squirrels need a break? What on Earth is that other squirrel talking about? What are the squirrels doing there in the first place?

And...oh god, the flamingos. I just now noticed all of the flamingos.

This situation calls for desperate measures, so I have opened up the comments to all site readers in the hopes that you can offer some explanation for this completely perplexing submission.

In other news, there were trying times for PostRejects this past week, with decent traffic but declining ad revenues. I wondered-- would all of my efforts come to nothing? Readers, I confess to you that I may, at times, allowed despair to enter my heart. Yet there has been a light in the darkness, assuring me that this site may yet become profitable!

Someone has finally bought a PostRejects Shirt!

(It was the one with the puffins)

Guest Rejects Sponsored by Wal-Mart

Okay, not really. Here's the latest guest reject:

I suspect that this is how everyone who shops at Walmart feels, but there's only one way to find out for sure. I have created another opinion poll, which you may find in the upper righthand sidebar of the site.

And now, a recap of last week's poll results:
The Question: Which of the Guest Rejects in the January 7th update is sadder?
The Answers(567 votes):
(A) Exaggerated Dad Death – 196 (34%)
(B) Autumn of Existential Despair- 163 (28%)
(C) I am sadder than both Guest Rejects - 208 (36%)

The winner, by 12 votes, was option C: you are all incredibly sad. What a surprise! I never thought that people who spend all of their time looking at other people's secrets online would be sad. Just kidding, you are all losers and everyone knows it. But if you buy my shirts, you will look great and be popular, guaranteed!

In the meantime, here's a lifestyle tip for you: When I am sad, I usually cheer myself up by watching this video of Martin Luther rapping about his 95 theses. Seriously, it never gets old.

P.S.- If you are reading this, and you are a Wal-Mart representative who would be interested in signing me to a lucrative endorsement deal, please e-mail me at postrejects at gmail dot com.

Sunday Rejects 1/18

PostRejects coming soon

Dear Valued Readers,

Due to unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances, Sunday rejects have been postponed. Hopefully this will not stop you from helping me make a profit during your visit today. Seriously, buy some shirts.

All the best,
Fred

EDIT: For those of you who are new to the site (and I know there are a lot of you coming off StumbleUpon today), scroll down for past Sunday Rejects! I'll have the new update up this evening.

EDIT THE SECOND: Dammit! I have finally got ahold of this week's Rejects, but my scanner is broken! I smell sabotage. I will have new Rejects up as soon as possible, and if I don't get them up before Sunday, I will just run a double update then.

The Saddest Guest Rejects

If you love sadness, then you're in luck, because I've got two of the very saddest guest rejects of all right here:

This one was e-mailed to me with the following sad message: "so i don't have stamps. nor do i have a car to go get some. so i decided i'd e-mail you my secret. it's in the attached file. "

Some sad secrets really draw you into their sad stories, and this one is, sadly, no exception. I wondered when I read this card, how does somebody make their dad's death sound worse than it is? Is the man still alive? Or does this sad stampless secret sender tell his/her friends that Daddy was shot before his/her very eyes by a desperate criminal, when he really just choked on a piece of chewing gum at his 9 to 5 job?

Let's take this maudlin mocha latte and top it off with a double-shot of existential despair espresso. Here's a card that was sent to me back in November:

Every time I look at this card, I sigh wistfully and end up staring at the bare tree branches outside my window for the next fifteen minutes.

Which of these guest submissions is sadder? You decide! And after you decide, you can go ahead and vote in our new "Saddest Guest Reject" opinion poll, on the top righthand side of the page.

Also, buy my shirts. Don't make me beg!

Sunday Rejects 1/4

-----Email Message-----
Subject: Sandwich Solidarity

To whoever sent the "Sandwiches" card: I often feel the same way. In this harsh, harsh world, you are not alone.

-----Email Message-----
Subject: Response to "Sandwich" PostReject

Hey, maybe we can go get a sandwich together sometime. Although on second thought, that would be pretty hard, since both your secret and my e-mail are completely anonymous.

To be honest, it's probably better that way. I'm sort of a creep.

Sincerely,
(name redacted)