Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Guest Rejects for the Whole Family!

Today's pair of Guest Rejects were both e-mailed to me from the same account. Together, they tell a story about a family. It's probably not a very heartwarming story:

I was a bit incredulous about the sincerity of this card, but then I googled "Halloween Themed Wedding". It turns out that this sort of thing happens all the time. A host of websites offer suggestions for the perfect Halloween wedding, all of which agree that the couple should always play "Thriller," by Michael Jackson, at the reception.

Halloween themed weddings can be wild and wacky, and they often result in unintentionally hilarious photo montages. Sometimes they are even staged in Thailand by Ripley's Believe it or Not.

A helpful tip for this anonymous card sender, courtesy of Ehow.com: "Don't let anyone talk you out of your Halloween theme wedding. It is after all your wedding, it should be about you and what you like." On behalf of PostRejects, I offer the following bonus tip: don't let the groom pretend to be Beetlejuice. Seriously. Don't do it. Okay, next secret:

This doesn't seem like the sort of family that would protest a "spooky, Halloween-themed wedding", does it?

Got any Guest Rejects of your own? Find out how you can submit them here. The next regular update will go up this Sunday. In the meantime, keep your eyes out for new PostRejects Shirts!

Shirts will be 20.09% off until January 16th, courtesy of my T-shirt provider, Spreadshirt.com (coupon code NEW19). Let me know if there's any PostRejects that you'd like to see in shirt form!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Are you hungry for some Guest Rejects?

For some reason, a bunch of the guest submissions that I've been getting have had to do with food. Here are a couple:

By the way, Guest Rejects usually run on Wednesdays, but last week's regular Sunday Rejects update was delayed because of the PostSecret guy being a jerk and violating my rights (scroll down to the next post for an explanation of that). You can get the information on how to submit your own Guest Rejects here. Moving on:

This "baby-peppercorn sauce" card definitely comes from a different person than the one who submitted the ugly baby Guest Reject. This could mean that your babies are safe, or it could mean that your babies are in twice as much danger as before.

In other news, the Official PostRejects Merchandise Shop(pe) is now online! I've included some sample designs, for your viewing/buying pleasure:

FYI: This one is specialty-printed with glitter ink, even though it's sort of hard to tell from the picture.

I also thought of this great motto, which is "PostRejects Tees: Wear your secret on a shirt!" Spiffy, right? Also, the shirts make wonderful belated Christmas gifts! If you've got questions or comments on the merchandise, you can contact me at postrejects@gmail.com.

Alright, I've got to get back to sifting through the PostSecret garbage. The next update goes up in less than 24 hours!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Triumphant Return

A Message From Fred Jurgens:

Dear Site Patrons,

As you know, last week's PostRejects were severely delayed as a result of the PostSecret guy catching me rummaging through his garbage and chasing me off with a broom. Well, I figured that by this past Sunday it would all have blown over, so I went back. The scavenging was going okay, no real juicy cards, until I ran across this one:

That is just too much. Come on, everybody knows that garbage is PUBLIC PROPERTY. Once you throw something away, anybody can come along, pick it up, and put it on their website. I mean, I'm not going to go into the "legalese" of it, but I'm pretty sure that this threat is a violation of my first and possibly third amendment rights.

No need to go to court, though, because my story has a happy ending. See, the PostSecret guy's garbage man is a buddy of mine from college, so I took him out and we got hammered. At some point in the night he agreed to dump the PostSecret trash off at my house every week. Score! So, without further ado, this week's PostRejects:

This one reminds me of one of my friend-blogs, The Daily Lifeku. They write angry haikus about people who are idiots. I hate idiots too!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Sunday Rejects Regrettably Delayed

So I was just at the PostSecret guy's house, looking through his trash for some hot new rejected postcards. It was going pretty well until I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a dude running towards me wielding a broom.

Man, you wouldn't know it from looking at him, but that PostSecret guy is fast. I eventually managed to lose him in some bushes, but my heart rate is still way up even as I'm writing this. I think I'm going to have to wait a couple days before I go back there again.

In the meantime, here's a guest submission to placate you:

"Your bestiality is tearing me up.
I can only imagine what it's doing to THE KIDS."

Hey, that postcard is messed up. Sort of reminds me of my college years.

Anyway, to those of you who have been so faithfully clicking my ads these past few weeks, I apologize, and I'll have a new batch of PostRejects up on the site next week. The rest of you can go to Hell for all I care.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Inaugural Guest Reject

Dear Valued Ad-Clickers,

I am proud to present the very first of PostRejects' "Guest Rejects". These are secrets that readers like yourself have sent directly to me, rather than making me scavenge them out of the PostSecret guy's trash. I plan to run them on Wednesdays:

That is one ugly lobster-baby. Yikes.

Send your own PostRejects to:
PO Box 205200
New Haven, CT 06520

If you happen not to own stamps, or you have forgotten how to use a mailbox, you can also e-mail me your secrets at postrejects (at) gmail (dot) com. But it's more likely that your secret will get on the site if you take the time to mail it in.

I'll post the next regular batch of juicy scavenged secrets this Sunday. In the meantime, remember...if you're not clicking ads, you're basically stealing from me!!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Sunday Rejects

-----Email Message-----
Subject: AWFUL, DISTURBING image

Dear Fred,
I am shocked that you did not publish an appropriate warning before subjecting your readers to the horrifying image contained in your fourth postcard. I know that it is a fake, and that nothing like it exists or could ever exist on this Earth, but that knowledge is not enough to sear it from my retinas.
Thanks a lot, Fred. I hope you burn in hell for this.
- (name redacted)

-----Email Message-----
Subject: "Dr. Phil M&M Man"

I was so unsettled by the "Dr Phil M&M Man" postcard that immediately upon seeing it, I projectile vomited all over the floor of my computer room. My wife, alarmed by the noise, rushed in to check on me. In her haste, she slipped in a pool of vomit and appears to have broken her collarbone. I brought my laptop to the hospital with me so that I could let you know that you ruined my Thanksgiving weekend.

Also, you're a worthless hack and I'm never coming back to your stupid site.

-(name redacted)

-----Email Message-----
Subject: What's the big deal?

I don't know why everyone is making such a big fuss over some postcard on a website. I mean, yeah, that Dr. Phil M&M thing gives me the willies-- but don't you think there are better uses for our energy? People are, like, starving.

-----Email Message-----
Subject: How do you sleep at night?

You have ruined M&Ms for me forever.

(name redacted)

A Message From Fred Jurgens:

Hello, PostRejects readers. I've received a ton of feedback about the card that I posted that contained an image of an M&M modified to resemble Dr. Phil. I really didn't see anything wrong with it when I put it up, but I guess you're all way more sensitive than I am. Whoa, big surprise there.

Anyway, the most important thing to me is site traffic-- I'd hate to keep a card up that drives viewers (and revenue) away. So I added a poll on the sidebar of the site, so you can help me decide what to do. Let your voices be heard or whatever.

Keep clicking those ads,


P.S.- Stay tuned for further developments this week, including a hot new guest secret and awesome PostRejects merchandise!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Guest Secrets, Blog Quid Pro Quo

(scroll down for secrets)

Dear Valued Guests,

As of this day, I am instituting a policy of Blog "Quid Pro Quo," which I'm told is a Roman phrase for "you scratch my back, I scratch yours" (the Romans were apparently both itchy and concise). What this means for PostRejects is that I'm adding a "blogroll" to the side panel of the site. To get on my blogroll, all you have to do is put me on your blogroll. Once you have done this, send me an e-mail at postrejects@gmail.com with the name of your site, and I will add you. Then, sit back and watch the traffic roll in!

Also, in an effort to supplement my already-impressive selection of secrets, I am now allowing readers to send postcards directly to PostRejects for me to run on the site. I will post these "guest secrets" on Wednesdays, beginning sometime in the future.

The address:
PO Box 205200
New Haven, CT 06520

Yes, I know that this is several states away from my home state of Maryland. The secrets will be forwarded to me, for security: God forbid any of you loonies ever figure out where my actual mailbox is!

Keep clicking those ads,

P.S.- Join the PostRejects facebook group!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sunday Rejects


We run a tight ship here at PostRejects, and that means sticking to a schedule. Every Saturday night, after the PostSecret guy posts his secrets, I walk by his house and scavenge through the bags full of rejected postcards for really juicy ones. Then I post them on my site. Like clockwork.

Only today, there was nothing there! It turns out that the guy is "traveling", so there won't be any garbage, or any secrets until tomorrow afternoon. But fear not, faithful ad-clickers-- you'll have your update soon!

Damn his foolish errands! Some of us are trying to make a profit, here...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008